Ryan….You’re Fired

Dear Ryan

We regret to inform you that we have unfortunately had to make the hard decision to let you go.

It is a hard time out there in Alberta these days and lord knows it’s our customers that have gotten us to where we are today. You can imagine how hard it has been on US to have had to make this very difficult decision.

Further,  we would like to offer you 8 rules of being a beer critic as unsolicited advice should you ever wish to be a customer of another local brewery in the future.

1 Don’t be an asshole. saying “you’re just being honest” is not an excuse for being an asshole. If you’re having trouble understanding this concept, the great Louis CK can assist you “here” 

2 Your opinion is not necessarily right just because you’re on social media. Any arrogance derived from simply being a social media critic on untapped or twitter is unfounded and poor form.South Park Season 19 Episode 04 (you’re not yelping) can assist you with this concept.

3 RESPECT THE BREWERY Most breweries came into existence because of  REAL PEOPLE with husbands and wives and kids and pets. These are actual living breathing people just like you and me. Many of these people have three mortgages and lay awake every night fearful and in tears from the reality of the price paid for following their dreams of providing a very personal, hand made craft creation to the world. While these breweries, nay, PEOPLE….cherish, and thrive on feedback, they’re not huge fans of entitlement or arrogance. Try to imagine you have a baby in a beauty pageant and someone just told you “hey man!! that’s an ugly baby you got there!!”

4 Beer is a journey not a destination. No one ever..in the history of time, EVER… tried an IPA as their very very first beer in life and said “hey that’s delicious” We’re all on our beer journey and our palette’s evolve differently. This rule can also be read as “light beer is not shit just because YOU currently enjoy 3 year old barrel aged sours”

5 Beer is meant to bring people together not tear them apart. If you find yourself together with great people enjoying beers, stories, and good times, you are #WINNING. If you find yourself in constant twitter battles, being referred to as a troll, or having parody twitter accounts made about you to mock your behaviour, you are OFF THE PATH.

6 Local Beer is ALWAYS the best. Local beer is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, the best! Anyone who says otherwise is an obvious Twatt-Waffle. We all like our quebec imports, Belgian quads and Vermont double IPA’s however, trashing grassroots local breweries is never in good form. Any negative reviews of local breweries should be seen as supportive and encouraging. Comments may include “not bad for your 1st batch” or “looking forward to what these guys brew once they get their feet under them”

7 Get in the ring As in any industry, any one who trash talks must be willing to perform the trash talked offence BETTER. see Theodore Roosevelt’s  “The man in the arena” . Memorize this quote.

8 IT’S JUST BEER, DON’T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY We’re not saving lives here, we’re sharing good times, with good people over good beer. Try to enjoy the good stuff, forget about the bad stuff, and learn to take a joke. ALL lifes problems can be solved over beer. Now if you find yourself hating this list, come have a beer and a laugh with us!

Sincerely Your friends at Tool Shed Brewing Company

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